If a thing is right it can be done, and if it is not it can be done without; and a good man will find a way.”–Anne Sewall, Black Beauty

My cousin and I were drinking tea in the back yard.  I was reading aloud an article called “Boyfriend Boot Camp.” It was freezing, but the outdoors was the only place for girl talk.  There was a noisy football game on inside.

I went to boyfriend.com because my cousin was sobbing.  She pretended to sob over her favorite book, Black Beauty.   She used to have a horse named Black Beauty.  We all had that horse.  Our grandfather had a farm.  Every horse he owned was called Black Beauty.

But then she sobs that she will never have a boyfriend again.

I don’t think so.

“Now listen to this,” I say.

Boyfriends…Can’t live with them can’t live without them!  Is your boyfriend driving you crazy? Are you being the best girlfriend possible and not getting anything in return? Whip your man into shape! Put him in the Boyfriend Boot Camp and watch all your worries disappear!

Duh…my husband/boyfriend drives me crazy.

“I’ve had a lot of boyfriends.  Not one would go to Boyfriend Boot Camp,”  my cousin says.

“You need the right boyfriend,” I say, not knowing how boyfriend.com can help with this.  “I mean the one who doesn’t need Boot Camp.”

“Lower your expectations,” people said to me when I was divorced.  You know why they said  that?  Because all the men were married.

The perfect man, in their eyes, was a sweet, dull, single guy they set me up with who watched reruns of MASH, never read a book, and brought me a new toaster or a coffee maker every time he came over (which was not very often, because I ended it).

Very nice, but I became glassy-eyed.  I would rather have had a book or an Eric Clapton album.   We were incompatible.  I wonder if he ever got married.  I did.

“All I need is somebody brilliant, handsome, and rich,” my cousin adds.

“Who are you–Emma  Woodhouse?”

Then I explain who Emma is.  Then I tell her to lower her expectations.

So I read on, and  discover that expectations can be too low.

Does your boyfriend sell drugs? Another big problem! This one is more easily fixed however. This is something that is often used to supplement income. And it’s easy money, so your man isn’t exactly going to be willing to give it up so quickly.  But carefully explaining how this negatively affects you and your relationship will help. Don’t immediately rush to ultimatums, because that may not end very well.  By making it about you (for example, I feel like…) instead of placing blame on him, he will be much more responsive to change.

“Now that’s ridiculous,” I say.

“It is pathetic,” she admits.

Then the site refers us to Match.com.

I have no faith in dating services, but my cousin needs help.  She is at the wrong age–late 30s–for dating. Two years from now it will be better.

“I won’t sign up unless you do,” she says.

“Oh, come on!”

I finally agree to sign up, but I will not pay.  That means I won’t get the dating information.  I don’t need it.

My cousin busily answers the questions, laughing all the while, and so do I, skipping a huge proportion of them because it is never-ending.  She is looking for a man 20-40.  (“20?  Oh, come on!”)  I decide 50-70.   (“70?  Why not 100?”)  Finally I am presented with a bunch of pictures and told that I have an 88% match with one of them.

“How can I have an 88% match when I answered only ten questions?”

The men, all divorced (did I select “divorced” on the questionnaire?), claim, without exception,  that they are “athletic and toned.”  Some are much too old for me, and some of the pictures I suspect are old.   Some are photographed in their bachelor pads, others in bars.

I quickly realize that the age range is much too wide.  The fifties would be best for me, well, maybe the low sixties, but in the fifties men are dating women in their 30s.  So does that mean…oh, I can’t do the math, really!

My cousin posts a picture of herself with a zinnia in her hair.

She is thrilled with her matches.  Yes, they are all “athletic and toned.” She picks out several she thinks are “cute.”

“But they all say they’re looking for a friend, conversation, long walks…” I point out.  “Don’t you want somebody different?”

She laughs.  “This one is cute, this one isn’t, this one is, this one might do.”

I snap my laptop shut. We’ll see how it goes.

She seems like herself again.